Published June 19, 2008
He scampers
up the hill.
The sun,
is shining bright.
Joyfully, he
skips,
as he ascends
this great height.
His mind,
it is racing,
with a high
Expectation
What awaits
him? Lots of
joy
and celebration?
Could he find
the family
that he's
never had?
If he does
that would make him
ever
so glad
He crests
the hill
and looks down
from this height
The sun
is still shining
clear
and bright.
Below he espies
a lonely
grassy
plain
No family
no nothing
so he climbs down again.
But there is
a hill in the distance
another-
great height
What's the other
side of it
he wonders,
does the sun still shine bright?
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141,255 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I agree with both of the previous reviews re: punctuation and rhyming. Also, be careful of slipping into archaic language to plumb for a rhyme: "espies" makes it sound like you're reaching. Aside from that, I like the simplicity of the image here. If you just tighten it up and polish it a bit I think you'll have a neat poem
Cheers,
~bubbles
Unless you purposely did this, it appears to me (which doesn't mean much) that you have a few punctuation issues. I italicized (sp?) where there seems to be a little too much capitalization and/or a little too few periods.
Of course, if that was purposeful, so as to keep the poem flowing or what not, then ignore all of this.
Hey, star!
I liked your rhyming and lining – in most parts.
You must be careful about those one-word lines.
I like the way you're rhyming this, it (so far) has worked well.
Now, this stanza, it's just... I don't really like it. The words are empty, the rhymes are cheap, the last lines... "ever so glad". Could you make us feel a little more emotion? Please?
It's kind of fun little detail that you used the same rhymes here as in the first one, now you just turned them upside down.
Watch it! This doesn't look good.
Wait – there are the same rhymes again. I'm afraid I can't let you away so easily anymore. You'd better change either these rhymes or the ones in the fourth stanza.
I liked the idea. You could make it truly shine by rewording, relining, rerhyming etc. But you've got a good basis here, just polish it a bit.
Demeter xx